“I plan to drop the “In Training” part of my blog soon.”—I don’t say I’m an Admin in training, or an artist in training, or anything like that. I’m 30. I’m always learning, so I’ll always be “in training”, but the extra bit in my blog title keeps me in this kids corner. Fuck. That. With a Flagpole.
I think I’ve learned a lot during your time. I’ve learned that I needed to build a stronger foundation of self. I’ve learned that my father is still around, and that he loves me. That my siblings on his side have their own families, and that they’ve missed me and love me. I’ve learned that I had to become emotionally available to those that matter to me. I’ve learned how I want to be treated and how I don’t want to be treated. I’ve learned how to pick my battles and to better focus my anger and rage on the Internet(I know, took a while, ey?!!).
I’ve had lots of trials, setbacks, and mistakes. I’ve had to face the worst parts of myself, and cut through my guilt, my sexual repression, my repressed emotions to become a better person and grow. The beginning of your year was more than rough. You’ve filled me with a fire of rage that I never knew existed, and you’ve beat me down so bad at times, ripped out everything inside of me that I wasn’t even sure how I could pick myself up.
But somehow, I did. And besides, you’ve haven’t only thrown pain my way. You’ve thrown me fun and joy, too. I’ve been in Vegas with my partners and we’ve enjoyed ourselves. We’ve been swimming in the pool, eaten at great eateries, seen old and new Vegas, went shopping till we dropped, and had the best sex like….ever!! I’ve lost friends but gained a few new ones. I’ve even reached out and spent time with old ones.
You’ve taught me lessons, you’ve shown me joy. And pain. And the truth. The beginning of your reign was very bumpy and rough. But you warmed up to me as time passed on. And in three days, I’ll be saying goodbye to you. It was a good run. I’ll be sure to hold onto what you’ve had me go through, and take the lessons with me further on. Thanks for stopping by, and being the year that I turned 30.
I do my best to not get wrapped up in New Year’s Resolutions. But I can’t help but feel somewhat relieved and rejuvenated every time the new year comes along. I think it’s mostly due to my love of new beginnings, and my subscribing to the “Tomorrow is Another Day” mentality. But there definitely are some things that I’ve begun to focus on that I will focus my energy on more in the New Year:
Fitness. I’m 30. I know that the payoff I want—-a body that has more muscle than bodyfat—-is about, a year or two years away. Pauline Nordin said that the years it took to gain the fat you have, it will take that same number of years to get rid of it. So I have to establish better eating habits to go along with the great workout regimen I’m following(courtesy of Laura Bailey!).
It’s a pipe dream to think that I can have big breasts and a big ass with the frame I have and the climate I live in. I’m lanky, I’ve always been lanky, and it’s best that I have a lean, slim body. A body with more muscle than fat. It will take major changes to my diet. Pumping iron and doing cardio all the time is half the battle. I have to become a stickler about my nutrition: eating the right things at the right times, revving my metabolism, taking the right supplements at the right time, drinking more water, and eating 5-6 times a day.
I also need to get back into kickboxing and pole dancing…well, either pole or belly dancing. Or even BOTH. I definitely need that extra outlet for my anger and something to nurture my confidence in my body and sexuality. I also have a card for ten consecutive Bikram yoga classes. I’m definitely using it for flexibility and detox reasons; I’ll also look into creating natural detoxes to cleanse my body and better my health.
Keeping a food journal was okay in the beginning, but I have to re-think it. It is easier to keep track of what I eat if I just create a meal plan: 3 meals and 3 inbetween snacks. I already know that I take protein before and after I work out. I will either become more diligent and have protein with some fruit inbetween meals or ingest foods already WITH protein, like tuna fish or small quantities of salmon. I also wonder if I should reduce my intake of beef and chicken, and become a quasi-pescetarian…but that’s later down the road. I think I’ll begin my focus on creating my meal plan, making the necessary shopping lists, and pick a day to fix my meals and create my snacks. I should also set my alarm to go off at those times when I need to eat, especially while I’m working; I get so wrapped up in my duties that I’ll forget to eat my snack.
Okay, enough with fitness. LOL. What’s next:
School and my artwork: Continue to put up works from school onto my DA account. And get to work on those business card designs. I’ll start this Thursday. But I don’t want people to forget that I have skills with design software. And I need to add pieces to my DA account more often. And I need a TABLET!! I WILL. Get. A TABLET when I receive my tax refund money this year. And I need to stay on top of what I’m learning in my courses, especially from the past two (Electronic Design, Graphic Symbolism), and more importantly, from my current Mixed Media course, where I’m creating more universal illustrations with different media: pastels, watercolors, and acrylics.
2011 was a real jumpstart to the awakening of the real ME. I see no reason to stop this process now. I gladly welcome 2012, and look forward to more growth.
Freethinking Foxhole Series: Am I an....*gulp* Atheist?!!
It’s that dreaded question that I become nervous answering, mostly because the word feels so absolute and final, and throughout my life, when it comes to spiritual matters, I’ve always taken the position of “I don’t know” as to not fall into the position of “arrogant certitude” mostly exhibited by believers. But, I can’t run away from answering this forever, so….am I an atheist?
As far as organized religions go, yes. I am.
During my late teens and off and on until I turned 30, I used to feel that I was an incomplete person because I was never spiritual, and it seemed that spiritual/religious folk knew something I didn’t; to me, it felt like they had a special connection with something beyond us that I maybe just gotten small scraps and tastes from. I’ve never really liked Christianity and I found church boring; I gathered negative associations with it because I hated being pressured and forced to go to church; my mother had me baptized, yet nothing within me really changed, and I became more resentful for being forced into this belief and to be around people I had absolutely NOTHING in common with. A person’s spiritual path is their own and I’m very much against ANY faith system being FORCED on me(or ANYONE), whether through passive-aggressiveness (“People who stay in this house go to church”) or emotional blackmail (“I want to see all my family with me in heaven.”).
I’ve been agnostic my entire life; I’ve always wondered how it’s possible for followers of any given religious belief to just accept what’s given to them as THE ABSOLUTE truth and path for their lives. I’ve always approached things with the mindset that its existence has to be proven to me before I take it into consideration. A part of my late-bloomer revolution came when I joined a Wicca club in college; I find things “occult”- related interesting, and I actually had more pleasant experiences with the club because nothing was forced on people and you had every opportunity to read, learn, and QUESTION things. About 2 years ago or more, I was even part of this religious organization that deals in something kind of metaphysical healing, like reiki, but for personal(a need to break away from being around my ex and phase him out my life) and practical(I realized that my life needed to go in a different direction from everyone else’s, and I still had doubts about this being THE path for me) reasons, I couldn’t continue being a member and participating in their ceremonies.
It’s very hard for me to give myself fully to any belief system because I see how close-minded to everything ELSE people become once indoctrinated into a religion. And personally, all religions and their belief systems were established by man, and are laden with cruelty, misogyny, patriarchy, contradictions, and just the most unbelievable shit that I cannot suspend my disbelief and critical thinking abilities to entertain. And while anything IS indeed possible, I refuse to waste time entertaining claims about the natural world made by religion that have already been dissected and refuted by our sciences.
I’m glad to say that I no longer feel I’m missing anything from not being religious or belonging to a church. To me, there are no benefits in having religious faith, and the consequences that we have endured as a people over the centuries because of religion in no way balances with whatever good has come from it, if any. For me, being an atheist/nonbeliever is so practical. I don’t need god or religion to be a good person and to have morals. I don’t need something that hasn’t been proven to exist to dictate to me how my life should go and to give a purpose to my life. I give my life purpose through my deeds and what I choose to focus on. My life is my own.
Don’t let this broad’s letter gas your head up into believing that the onus is once again on us to coddle you and take your bullshit. The Enemy isn’t the White Man or the Angry Black Woman or the Underwear Gnome. The Enemy is in the fucking mirror scratching his…